The Closer

I’m supposed to be working on a song commission. It’s why I’m not playing flute with The Family Soul tonight. That, and I feel bad asking Mike’s parents to babysit so much, especially when the baby is asleep.

But instead, I’m listening to the closing track of my album on repeat. We just got mixes of the first and last songs, which I wanted to use to apply for a new SOCAN music grant/award - it’s actually a very exciting award, geared towards female musicians who are mid-career. I really hope that’s me.

I hadn’t listened to any of the mixes on headphones before tonight. I’ve been listening to the two songs back-to-back, and that’s been a bit of a mistake. The first song, the single, is the song that slaps the most, out of all the repertoire I’ve ever recorded. It’s a hit. The last song, the closer, is the most creative and emotional song I’ve ever recorded. It’s a slow burn. It doesn’t make sense after the single. It’s too sensitive and deep.

But on repeat, on headphones. The first time, I just let myself choke a little, because every time I hear the finale of this song, I feel the urge to cry and smother it. But no one is around, so I let myself feel the song at last. And then I listen on repeat, all over again, with my hands over my eyes, even though I’m home alone and a little worried that someone will break in and kill me and I won’t see or hear them coming (I’ve lived in apartment complexes so long, houses just feel so damn unsafe). But I play it again. And again. I haven’t listened to a song on repeat since before I became a mother. I don’t have the time for listening. I don’t have the time for emotions that aren’t mania.

And here I want to make an appeal for journalling, because I feel like revisiting my diaries has reconnected me with my childhood self, a child who wanted so badly to be a musician, who dreamed about that above all else, for nearly as long as I could make memories. (I am listening so much that my jaw hurts from the headphones.) I found some more diaries tonight, mixed in with my school work. That child was really very sweet. There was a book report on The Diary Of A Young Girl and what I learned about Martin Luther King Jr. (Here, I stopped to turn the volume up higher and just laugh, laugh at how amazing it sounds.)

I think what I like the most about this song is that it isn’t so much about me, the arrangement. I tried to make my voice like a rock in a stream, unshakeable and calm, while everything crashes around me, wave upon wave of voices. (Now I’m taking off my headphones because I don’t want to get murdered.) I listen and I hear all of my friends, people that I really admire, who make the most divine music, who I am privileged to know.

I look over at the studio monitors and think, I could listen on them, nice and loud, but really, what I should be doing is recording that song commission. It’s a really nice song; it wasn’t very distinct at first, it was kind of lumpy and rote, so I gave it another ironing and now it’s all nice melodies and hooks, satisfying to sing. I usually track guitar first and then vocals later, but I’m going to do both at once, because I want to capture the feeling of the song and not be pinned down with metronoming. And I think I’ll enjoy it.

Oh, this song. (The closer.) We’d shared it with Mike’s parents yesterday morning, and doing the back-to-back thing, I really started to doubt the closer. I was impatiently listening, wanting things to change faster. The song is creating a vibe, I said, waving my hands dismissively, but I feel like it’s missing something, or needing an edit. Like I’m waiting for something to change. I could tell they didn’t dig it as much as the single, but later, I did my best to remind myself that art is subjective; I don’t know that they didn’t get it, but if they didn’t get it, it’s fine. I was disappointed the rest of the day, because this song has been such a baroque jewel in this collection, and I thought it was coming out a little strange.

So I’m glad I listened to it again tonight, by myself. I am so glad to remember my child self. I think she would be very pleased with this. I think this would be beyond my wildest dreams.

I look forward to sharing it with you in a few short months…